The Spurs midfielder, Eric Dier, ran off the pitch during Tuesday night’s 4th round Carabao Cup match against Chelsea in desperate need of the toilet.
He was followed briskly by a furious Jose Mourinho.
Mourinho on how things should roll
“I couldn’t believe it!” Jose told the African Football Expert, “He knows very fucking well we are running low on toilet paper here in London!! We also had to cut back on some expenses now that we have Bale back, his green fees are pricey as fuck!”
The special one continued to say, “Yes so big deal, I follow him, it is not the first time I have busted down a door on a player.”
“So I ripped the roll from the kid and told him to pinch that loaf real quick! I am not an animal though, I rationed out what I think to be reasonable. Se apresse! Hurry up! I told him! No time to wash hands let’s go!”
Three Squares
We caught up with Eric Dier afterward, he added, “Jesus Mother of Christ! I just had to go so bad! Earlier Lams [Erik Lamela] and I had shared some homemade beany Argentinian tacos, his mum made. I had a few helpings, they were so delicious! But then things went sideways for me, meat sweats and chills… next thing I know, I feel like my stomach is about to explode through my arsehole. I had to make a dart for it!”
The Spurs midfielder took a sigh of relief and continued to say, “It all happened so quickly! The gaffer busted into the cubical, I was already shitting myself, so in a way that actually helped.”
Dier concluded, “Him screaming in Portuguese and handing me three small toilet paper squares was all a bit of blur, I may have passed out for a brief second. I pulled myself together and tried to breath… I felt bit sharty running out, I couldn’t give a toss though because it felt so good having got rid of that demon taco!”
“So I ripped the roll from the kid and told him to pinch that loaf real quick! I am not an animal though, I rationed out what I think to be reasonable.” – JM
