Odion Ighalo has announced his departure from Manchester United. The Nigerian Prince and veteran striker quickly became a cult hero at the club and has mentioned although it is sad to leave he must get back to his perfume business, Sex Panther. It smells like Big foot’s dick? “Yes! There are a lot of funny […]
Thomas “Forrest” Partey: does a runner
Arsenal’s marquee signing during the summer transfer window, Thomas Partey has come under scrutiny for running off the pitch in the middle of the frantic match against bitter rivals Tottenham Hotspur. Partey ran off the pitch, and sprinted down the tunnel, and out of the stadium. He was last seen running up the M6, heading […]
Virgil van Dijk Offers his Good Knee for Joe Gomez Surgery
Liverpool defender Joe Gomez will have to undergo knee surgery after things went pear shaped during an England training session. Virgil van Dijk, his fellow Liverpool center-back, suffered a similar fate a few weeks ago to a blatant life ending tackle from their Merseyside rivals. “I Offer Myself as Tribute” “I offer myself as tribute”, […]
Suarez Stuck in VAR Inception
“It’s been a long week, I have cried a lot… most of the time the same cry”, Suarez told the African Football Expert. Lokomotiv Moscow Mule Last week Atletico Madrid drew one-one to a stubborn Lokomotiv Moscow in the Champions League. A match where Luis Suarez was shown a yellow card for trying to get […]
Son called back to Complete Military Training
Tottenham star Son Heung-min has been called back to complete his Military service in South Korea. Son formerly received an exemption allowing him to fast track a 2 year mandatory service after winning gold at the 2018 Asian Games in Indonesia. South Korea, chuffed by this result, allowed Son to complete his training in 3 […]
Ronaldo Gets New CR-900 Upgrade during Quarantine
Cristiano Ronaldo’s creators have taken the opportunity to upgrade the Juventus star during a mandatory quarantine. Dieter von Rossbach, chief creator and engineer at Skynet has told the African Football Expert, “If you think CR9 was good, you all about to shit your panties!” CR-7 Modest Beginnings Dieter took us down memory lane and explained […]
Gunnersaurus Blows Annual Salary at Casino
The Arsenal team’s mascot, Gunnersaurus, has been in the news a lot lately. A few days ago “Gunny” was giving his marching orders by Arsenal after 27 years of service. Saddened by the news, Mesut Ozil, a player and cult hero at the club offered to pay the big green guy’s wages for a year. […]
Evra Checks Into Pleasantville
Ever-positive Evra has had the life and colour drained from him after Man United’s 6-1 battering by a relentless Spurs side over the weekend. Saddened, raged and on the verge of tears Evra announced he would be leaving for Pleasantville to try find colour again. Departure note Before the Manchester United legend left for the […]
Roy Keane labelled a Slopposaurus
Things got pretty heated post match on Monday night, when Roy Keane suggested the Liverpool team were incredible to beat Arsenal but also quite sloppy. The Liverpool manager, Jurgen Klopp was patched into the studio discussion and things escalated rather quickly. The African Football Expert was able to get the transcript of the legendary ex-Manchester […]
Zlatan Tests Positive for Benjamin Button Disease
The legendary Zlatan Ibrahimović of AC Milan has tested positive for Benjamin Button Disease. A rare and mysterious disease that causes its host to age backwards. Zlatan Style Zlatan aged 38, told the African Expert, “I can’t help but laugh at how young I feel each day! So many footballers can only fantasize to play […]