The legendary Zlatan Ibrahimović of AC Milan has tested positive for Benjamin Button Disease. A rare and mysterious disease that causes its host to age backwards.
Zlatan aged 38, told the African Expert, “I can’t help but laugh at how young I feel each day! So many footballers can only fantasize to play like I do, at the level I do, especially at my age. To move like I do, to bang in goals like me, to bang Swedish models like I do. It is unheard of. I feel perfect, I am perfection.”
*The Swedish star paused for an eerie amount of time and just flat out stared at us for 7 minutes.*
Thankfully he continued to say with a smug look and grin, “What!!? You are scared, dont be silly, just relax. The world is too scared these days. Also don’t be so soft and shocked to hear this news about Benjamins. Benji is scared of Zlatan.”
An actual toddler
When asked if he is worried about the disease going too far and him becoming an actual toddler again, Zlatan answered, “You think I am afraid to be a baby again? Or shit myself in diapers? Or have my big teeth shrink and get absorbed into my gums and then have baby ones come out again? Crying for breast milk? Really??”
The AC Milan striker then pulled up his shirt displaying his washboard abs and asked the African Football Expert, “I want you to touch my 8 pack… go… go touch… Touch! Ok now look me in the eye… do you really think Zlatan will let that happen?”
An abrupt and long laughing fit ensued, coupled with a choreography of flexing, shadow boxing and round house kicks throughout the studio.
He finally walked out, shouting over his shoulder, “Zlatan is in control of his own age! Not Benji! Fuck Benji’s button! I get to choose!! I always have!”
“You think I am afraid to be a baby again? Or shit myself in diapers?” – Zlatan