Cristiano Ronaldo’s creators have taken the opportunity to upgrade the Juventus star during a mandatory quarantine.
Dieter von Rossbach, chief creator and engineer at Skynet has told the African Football Expert, “If you think CR9 was good, you all about to shit your panties!”
CR-7 Modest Beginnings
Dieter took us down memory lane and explained the history of the living legend Ronaldo, “As you may know our claim to fame was CR-7! Back then this model was our proudest moment, he won a lot of hearts and trophies at Old Trafford”.
Dieter added, “…truth be told, to this day, readings show Cristiano’s heart always skips a beat when he hears Manchester United. We didn’t build that in, that’s a self learning A.I”
CR-9 The Real Deal
“I think you would have to be living under a rock or a jealous Messi fan boy to not have noticed what our CR-9 model did during our stay in Madrid! We rocked Spain hardcore baby!”
Dieter teased, “Jesus! The fame! Hotels! Models, double barrel blowjobs and coke! What a hot mess!”
“I will admit, we lost a fuck ton of momentum after Spain, CR-9 was burnt out, fucken fried.”
“We maxed him out in the Champions League a few times. Got silly with things like overhead kicks, taking the piss! No regrets though! It was a brilliant time! Such a bloody riot!”
“Anyway! The plan was to go forward with CR-11 to Italy, problem was we were partying way too hard! We missed all of our deadlines, lost some investor backing and we landed up rolling back to CR-7, because CR-9 was kaput!”
CR-900
Dieter admitted, “Our engineers have been licking their wounds for a while, humble pie I tell you! Once you taste the rock star life, you want it back and then some. So we have been working around the clock for 2 years straight now.”
With a sly grin on his face, Mr von Rossbach took us to the incubation chamber and showed us the new CR-900 model, whispering “Shhh check this bad boy…absolute beast…”, Lightly tapping on the huge metal gooey vile encompassing the new Cristiano.
“…he is actually sleeping and running updates… so yeah… I am not gonna give too much away, but this fucker is 8ft 5, adamantium bones and speeds up to 119 per hour, with the ball..”
Laughing softly and nervously Dieter concluded pointing to a parking lot of wheelchairs, “We had to tone down the aggression, he is easily triggered for some reason…just somethings we are still fine tuning, but he should be ready for the Barcelona game.”
“… this fucker is 8ft 5, adamantium bones and speeds up to 119 per hour, with the ball..” – Dieter von Rossbach
